party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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