I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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