Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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