I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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