she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
