Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
