At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
