Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
