I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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