you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
