..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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