Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
