i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
