you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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