i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
