textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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