Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
