You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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