i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He better not be in your backpack
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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