We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
