I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
