I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's official drugs can't kill me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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