just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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