this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
