You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
