I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
