what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
