I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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