One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drake has all the answers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
