Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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