Got a toothbrush?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
