I just saw a hot homeless man
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
