He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
