Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
