The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
