When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
