Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
