I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
