Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
