not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
