Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
