Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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