i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
