Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
