Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
