awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
