I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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