She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
