How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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