the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
