So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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