"it" just moved
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
