Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she told me i tasted like america
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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