Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
