I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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