why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
