really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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