I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
