That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
