i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We left the knife in your bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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