You're my little dorito
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
