too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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