I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
